Late Night Thoughts

Nights like this I just want it to past faster.

I feel like I have been a follower for all my life. Giving in to what everyone says. Letting everyone influence my thoughts. And what I really think about something just disappears. Allowing everyone to pour their expectations on me.

Thinking about all these just makes hate school so badly. When was the last time i hate school so badly.

I want some real fun so badly with the people that I love. I need a get away! I need the long holidays to come faster. The last thing I need now is another day of school.

I just sound so typical. A teen that hates school. No point saying anything further.

Twitter is just so... OPEN! Don't see any point in tweeting anything personal. Don't see any point in tweeting anything personal! There's no need to let others see what I am actually thinking. Because they just probably won't understand!. So caught up in their individual life. All everyone have is objections. Don't see any point in this.

I'm just so negative right now.

Everyone is just giving faces! All emotionless. THEY ARE FKING FAKE! Can't you just say what you want to say?? This is really annoying.... The silence. The awkwardness. There will be one day that I'm just going to blow. And it can be really soon! JUST TELL ME WHERE THE FK I WENT WRONG! WHERE THE FK HAVE I ANGERED ALL OF YOU? IS IT MY FAULT?

Wrong step? Wrong love?

Since when do I have so little to say about myself. Since when did I decide to stop sharing and stop everyone from knowing what I'm up to?

Starting to become so distant from everyone everything. I feel like I'm looking touch with everything. Does love do this to you? Does it distant you from everything that you once have? Cause if it does... I doubt the power of love. How it's thought to be so magical.

I'm so deprived of some serious craziness and some fun like my life .haven't felt much from the start of 2013. Give some craziness that will send me away from this insane place. Let m laugh so hard that I forget about all expectations. All stares all judgements that is pouring in my directions.

So.. right... I'm in love. But... there's something that I want so much more. I feel confined. Especially when I'm distant with everything and everyone.

Drop me in a field full of green grass full of fresh air and just let me lie there. I need sometime alone. I need to think.
I have no idea what others are thinking. Am I the one in the wrong. Causing all this? Am I the one at fault for falling in love? Or is this all about wrong timing and wrong place.

Loosing touch with so many things let me doubt I I should love. Even though I love you so much that I can't bear to leave every single time the day comes to an end.

Everyone says you will be happy when I'm happy. But is it true happiness that you're talking about or are they just cynical? Just on the exterior?

Am I different in any way? Am I in the wrong love? That everyone disapproves of? Would it be different if we had met outside of this jail like school?

I just don't like this.

As usual a post full of typos.

Whatever it takes to make others people happy.

I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words but, I am holding back so much right now. Sometimes, I really want to run towards you and hug you as tied as I can and never let you go. That's that. And I really miss you. Absence really does make the heart grows fonder. Its like we are so close yet so far. I just miss you.

As usual, I'm just a substitute.

MUGS

Just a short post for my muggers: 
Even though we did prepare ourselves of what is coming our way this year, we are still unable to let go yet.
Trying to cope with duties but at the same time trying to keep this special ties of ours going. Its really tough. Most of the time, I start to wonder why didnt I try to persuade you guys to try harder. Or maybe you guys just need a year more.
Even though I'm trying to cope with my past year's work, I dont regret the year spent with you guys. Its just so great having you all around.
I just hope that after this tough year, we will come back to where we were. I feel like I truly belong there with you guys. Like my little family in SR.

Can't really express how much I treasure you guys. You are definitely the bunch of friends that are worth fighting for.

Please let this be a good year for the MUGS. Let everything run pass smoothly. Even though we just have the little time for each other weekly, I treasure all the time we will have this year. Thinking about you guys really makes me want to work hard and get over this year as soon as possible. You guys are the reason for my fight this year!

What will it take for me to get serious

I seriously don't give a shit  anymore. I am just trying so hard to get myself to be serious!!  And I just cant!!!! Don't understand what am I so afraid of. Fml to say the truth, I am already scared enough about the a's like how it determine my life and all that shit. I just feel like ending my life .I can't this shit like for real at first was the o's and is the a's. Why do we have to go through so many stages to determine our future! Can't it be just 1?

I just feel like I am missing out so many things. I feel so empty so.... nothing. I guess there's nothing worthwhile out of this. There is just no motivation for me. Feeling so annoyed at everything right now .I just need a break from everything. I need to catch up. I need to do a lot of things that I haven't do!!

Crying to myself because of self pitiness. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing but pathetic. And nothing. Nothing worthwhile.

The feeling of missing people just sucks... 

Too much of being too involved and close... 

Just anther post in ranting

So. I am completely frustrated about chem. And i know sshit about it. Which is completely frustrating because reading it makes me feel like i actually understood. But when the question pops up. Its just like whuuuuttttt!!!! Totally a humanities dude. Why do i take chem in the first place?

Its 2 am in the morning right now. And i have no idea why am i up at this hour. Thinking about work is seriously driving me crazzyy. Thinking about not doing well to go uni drives me nuts too. But i am not doing a shit. And not giving a damn. 4 more hours and i have to be up for school. School school school!!!!!

I don't want to feel anything right now. No sadness no guilt. No anger. No frustration. No devotion. No love. I just to faster get this a's burden off me!! Like a robot. If god has sthg to give me. It will be motivation for the entire year.

Please. I prayed for the thousandth times. Let this year run smoothly.

Independent!

At first I thought we were going to mugs for live. But why am I doubting it right now. Have I not grown up enough to learn the fact that nothing last forever. And things are never mine and I can never own anything?

I just don't want to think about all this things right now. Just want to faster this is over and done with. Can't have any say in anything after all...

I just hope this year will just pass quickly!!!! Without me knowing and without me realizing how much stress I will be going through. And get everything back to normal....

Why do I have this feeling that I'm just missing the holidays that's all?. (But not the friends part of course!!)

Last dinner with tria!

When everyone is leaving and having their own ways... I feel empty. No goals.

What's meant to be, has to be.

This is probably the last post I am going to have before the school reopens:

Through the moment I got back from hong kong. My life have been a disaster. Going in too many wrong directions and trying to change something that is impossible to be changed. And hurting those people who are not meant to be hurt just because I was being selfish.

Even though I love her. I try not to think about it and just enjoy every moment I spend with her. And hug her like its the last. Sometimes I miss her, I cant say anything about it Sometimes, I just simply smile at the photos that we took together. You know me so well. You know every moments that I want to forget. You are the one that has been there all along. Much treasured friend like always and being moved every single time too. If friends allow me to at least meet you once a week, I will definitely do that. Because I just want to be that sort of friends with you. Being a close friend is the best news for me right now. Because I love you very much as a friend and as being szejia at the same time. Because you exist, I am fine with everything.

Much credit given to her? ((:

As for James.
I have no idea how to start talking to him. Consoling seem too much for me to do right now.
I have no idea what I was doing. It just doesnt feel right. I really hope you know how I felt. Texting already is making me feel uncomfortable I have no idea how it will make me feel when we come face to face. Sometimes things cant be forced. You can say that I have little patience but through the few days that we gave it a try, I really thought through things alot. We are just not compatible. You dont know me for who I am and I just have too many things that you wont want to know. You dont know what sort of background I come from. All we do is talk about music talk about school. I like it that way. There are just some people that I just cant allow them to know. And you are one of them. That's why we can never have the things that you want. I really hope you get this. Im sure this is just one of the infatuation you have. And I really hope you can get over it as soon as possible. Because I still want a friend like you to watch movies and talk together like you know nothing just someone for me to whine to. You are important but not in the way you wanted me to be.
I have no idea how to say all these to you. Because you just want listen in. So I really wish you can get over it as soon as possible.I am just not worth your time and your mind spaces.

This is going to be a tough year. For me and for everyone things are going to get tough and lots of misunderstanding is going to happen,.
But just a note to myself: Through this being independent is very important. Everyone has their own goals and own ways of doing things. We set our own limits we dont base on others to set our limits we Know ourselves the best. We just have to stay strong stay positive. Friends help each other. And be there for each other. And most importantly, accept them for who they are. It doesnt matter if they are competitive or arrogant or wtv, just accept them.

Let this year be another unforgetable year despite all the exams. After its the process that matters the most,. And what's success without someone's support and praise.And being all alone.

Push all feelings aside. And get ready for the BIG fight!

Imma Douche in a Bag, will you still keep me?

With no courage to admit to face up to my own feelings and in return hurt those around me. I'm such a douche.

I'm a douche that is selfish that always wish to have you by my side and not for anyone else.

I'm a douche that choose friendship over love so as to have more moments with you

Will you still love me if I'm this way.

Will you like a douche to be part of your life?

If you don't mind, give me a hint.
Because I've been waiting here for years.
Just one answer I will be flying towards your direction.

Treasured((:

Had a great day other than the part that i had settle about my wrong doings. Sometimes, friends are more preferred.

Love us more if we remain thus way. Love it that you are always there for me, you too fionn!!((:

Bad start.

Start off the year feeling confused depressed.
Having no idea what i have got myself into.
Loving someone else more and being afraid of something that i don't even know what i am afraid about. How i wish i could see myself like a clear glass plane. Things would have been much easier that way.
I have no idea how to turn things around! Hope im making the right choice. Hope this feeling will fade away.
2013 resolution: everyone sticks together. Be happy. And everything runs well like a fairytale that ends with a happy ending.